That happiness was always meant to elude me, and probably always will. I can't bring myself to accept that though, and really don't feel that I should have to on one end..and on the other, part of me is saying "You're worth nothing Danielle, and failure is just imminent in your life."
I say all of this because the last few days, months, years of my life even have just seemed to reak nothing but havoc for me. I REALIZED that EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING, is taken from me one way or the other.
--------------------------
Yesterday, my boyfriend, of 4 months (we've known each other for 2 1/2 years as friends, he's one of the kid's at my daycare's older brothers) broke up with me yesterday. I don't hate him though. While everyone feels that I should. He said he couldn't drag it on anymore because he's recently started a roofing business with his dad in Alabama, and he's gonna be expanding to other states soon and he didn't want to hurt me. He said he already never gets to see me because he's in Alabama and it wasn't fair to me. (I agree. I guess we both thought that we could do it and we'd find some way to work all this shit out, and it just can't be done right now, but we wanted to be possible.) He said he just needs time to figure stuff out in his life, and I respect him for that. He's gonna pursue a degree and the career he wants, and get his life together. He said he doesn't want to be working until he's 65, he wants to be successful while he's young and worry about the family and everything else later.
And I can't help but respect him because he didn't want to hurt me. Long story short, we're still friends, and will hopefully remain that way, but he just doesn't have the time for a relationship right now in his life.
The thing is, I wanted it so bad, and he did too, and niether one of us want it to be this way, but sometimes things have to work themselves out. And we have to do that without the relationship between the two of us in our lives right now.
-----------------------
I just hope that in the future, he still wants to try it, he said when and if he gets to that point in his life he'd be more than willing to give it another try, just not right now. I understand. And I'll pray for that day.
I say that everything is taken from me, because it's true:
*My childhood with my dad was taken from me (I've only known him in adulthood, but I am thankful)
*My mom was taken from me when I was 16
*Cena was taken from me, from Liz, when he got married, I wanted that so damn bad, and now I can never have that either.
*One of my best friends and I just stopped talking to and am no longer friends with due to a fight, in which the last words he said to me were "F*ck You, and F*ck Cena." (I don't understand how you could just blatently disrespect me like that after I've known you for 10 years, I've never said ANYTHING like that to him.)
*And the relationship that I thought I'd have for the rest of my life just ended..there's no guarantee that we'll ever get back together, and I'm an emotional train wreck.
I just feel like yeah, Danielle, you're not supposed to be happy. Get used to it...FML
No comments:
Post a Comment